Giving Due

I’ve been feeling extra worn down lately and all my usual tricks to recharge the battery haven’t been working.  I am looking forward to an upcoming trip to St John’s Newfoundland which will provide a change in scenery.  I’m going up for a project and am extending my visit a few days after the meeting.

Funny story actually.  Last month, the project team flew up to Canada and were heading to the client’s office after arriving at the airport and picking up a rental car.  They enter the address as they hit the road and the GPS calculates the trip to take 22 hours!  Turns out they flew to St John, New Brunswick!  Wrong province! And ended up having to find new flights to the correct St John’s and lost a day. Needless to say I triple checked my booking for my upcoming trip.

Being worn down, I was still smart enough to step back to assess life.  I’ve been trying to have a more balanced work/life.  I’ve been trying to grow so that the day to day stresses, and politics I deal with in a leadership role doesn’t wear me out.  And I thought I was on a good path, with good habits forming.  I’m still daunted by the day to day for work and have been desperately looking for a good right hand person.  But overall, I’ve dialed back burning the midnight oil - mainly because I just can’t keep up that pace. 

And then it dawned on me.  I don’t always give stuff enough credit.  I realized I’m worn down in part by the worry work provides me with, but also about worry life has given me recently.  And it’s exhausting.  As this new theory started to form, I realize that I downplay, even to myself, the passing of Walter last year.  I didn't even post about it, since it was private - happened last August.  Although “just a pet”, he was a constant companion for over 12 years.  And as those who met him know, he was a lover - a primary source of daily (if not hourly) snuggles and comfort that I took for granted and is now missing.  Winston has been great and has become more affectionate, but it’s not the same, if only that I don’t have two snuggle bunnies.  So that is loss number one that I’m still working through - I guess just time is what is needed on that front.

Then there is loss number two, in that something that has been coming for awhile has arrived - my dad and step-mother are both going to be retired this year and are looking to move to Virginia.  When I moved back to New England, I immediately appreciated the proximity of family and friends that living in other parts of the country didn’t provide.  Distance is undeniably a factor in frequency of visits.  I used to live near mom so could visit a chunk of times each year and now it’s down to twice a year for a good year.  It was nice having at least one parent close by (I gave up trying to talk mom into moving closer years ago) and have appreciated having that connection.  But with the change in location, that will be a big void of not having any family nearby (Nick doesn’t count) to visit on a weekend - “popping up” versus planning a “vacation” and seeing each other a few times a year.  Again, over time, I’m sure I’ll adjust to the new situation and I’m still thankful that I have other “families” that I have adopted (or have adopted me - Brauns).  But for now, I realize I’m mourning the end of this chapter that is coming to a close.

On top of that, over the course of the last several months, I’ve had a few family/friends deal with heavy life situations on the health front.  Major stuff like heart surgery and cancer. And there’s nothing you can do but worry - worry for them and their family and their situation and try to be supportive.  Nothing like a big smack in the face from mortality. 

In my head, I keep thinking, I’m healthy, I’m happy, I have a good life, I have good friends, I have a good job, I have a good financial situation, I have a good sense of humor, I have so much, so there is nothing wrong with my personal life.  And I’m not giving these things their due.  I’m not one to wallow or be a drama queen (I’m a WASP after all), but I should not discount the bumps in the road life sends your way.  So I’m acknowledging them and moving forward in the healing process.  First thing that helped - I got a ton of snuggles Easter Sunday from Maggie as we watched the Wizard of Oz and later in the evening.  You know I think I’ve seen that movie over a dozen times but realized I really haven’t seen the ending that often.  It is very scary (hence the snuggles)! 

And second, I went back through my Shazam list and bought a bunch of songs.  Shazam, for those not in the know, is an app on the smart phone which allows you to identify a song at a push of a button.  I’m often at the store, or in the car and a song comes up and I’m like “this is a great song, I wonder what it is and who’s it by.”  You pull out this app, push the button while the song is still playing and 5 seconds later, there is your answer.  And it keeps a log of all the songs you identified.  So going back over the last several years I had a nice playlist of songs, that surprisingly were mostly upbeat, perfect timing.  I had gotten a gift credit card for a thank you for a presentation I did last month.  So I used the $25 to buy a bunch of songs and was playing them on my commute and between my new soundtrack to life and the sunny days, I had an extra bounce in my step and bigger smile.  What songs do you ask:

Ho Hey by The Lumineers

Into the Wild by LP

Tokyo Sunrise by LP

Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men

Royals by Lorde

Thrift Shop by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

Can’t Hold Us by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

Wake Me Up by Avicii

We Own the Night by The Wanted

Glad You Came by The Wanted

You Were Born by Cloud Cult

Some Nights by Fun

Actually I ended up buying Macklemore’s entire Heist album - all the songs are good.  I was going to link up all the songs, but realize that’s too much work so just put them into youtube and they’ll pop up.  Enjoy! 

Happy Patriots Day!

Yeah - I forgot today was Pats day until this morning and as I was enjoying a lay in with the warm spring sun pouring into the bedroom and I heard the fife and drums as the reenactments began. 

All good and off to my dentist appointment. Two fillings later and as I was walking home to grab my stuff to head into work I hit the Main Street in town and the sidewalks were packed with spectators and there were the fife and drums marching down the road, leading the parade, followed by veterans and clowns and a stage coach (strange mixing periods of history) and a long line of other stuff. 

I had just missed crossing the street - the parade had just started and there was no end in site. At first I was annoyed because I was going to be late to work because I couldn't get to the other side of the road and then I realized that even if I could get to the other side there were no busses coming anytime soon. So I enjoyed the good weather and festivities while my mouth slowly reformed back to its original shape after being numbed. 

I was amazed how many people were out, enjoying the day. I loved the buzz but also wondered about their work. The day is a holiday but only a few employees give it off (not mine). 

I'm still always goose bumpy thinking about what happened on this very soil at the start of our countries birth. 

On the plus side, I made it into Boston just at lunchtime and splurged by treating myself to lunch at one of the foodie trucks. They have really taken off in the last few years and have some really good food. The hike is just far enough from work I don't usually make it here for lunch, but when it's on the way in, who can resist. This is my first visit this year and they are almost all new. 

BTW you can see my new hair cut. It feels so good to have it chopped off. Feels so much healthier and I now have curls!  I'm slowly remembering that with shorter hair you have to wash it more often - I think because I end up putting my fingers in my hair more frequently when it's short. I don't put it back as much. 

Enjoying the sun and some new tunes I downloaded which makes it hard to walk normally and not all happy!

Thursday List

1.     One of my staff is really into running so brought in the “Born to Run” book to lend me.  Which is good since I’ve been trying to make my way through Tinkers and one of Haruki Murakami’s books (Norwegian Wood I think).  Although good they just don’t hold my attention for my commute.  Nonfiction is really my cup of tea.  We ended up talking books - he’s not a big reader but loves this book and has read it multiple times.  And turns out he likes books on prison systems which funny enough, I have two books I would recommend.  One is Newjack: Guarding Sing Sing which I absolutely love. And The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness which I really want to read.  This is a good reminder I should stop by my local bookstore and see if they have it or order it from them if they don’t.  I also gave him Fastfood Nation which is a classic.

2.     Success on taking up running this week again - take #2.  I ended up doing the week 2 regimen. It was a nice sunny day and even though I was a bit cold on the train and the warm up walk, I kept reminding myself I’ll be wishing for the colder weather in July.  I have to say I like this program - it addresses my needs and shortcomings quite well. When I was about a block away from home, I was struck with the realization that when I left the office and I felt like I was “naked”, not having a bag or stuff to bring with me, but reassured myself that I had all I needed - my iphone (which I use for podcasts and stopwatch) and headphones, it was because I was actually forgetting something.  My house keys!  Doh!!  Once thing of condo neighbors, and luckily they were home but when I rang the bell - no answer.  I realized that it was prime time for the solicitations we sometimes get.  What to do - and then it dawned on me again that although I barely had anything, I was holding a phone in my hand - so just called them and they let me in - yeah!  Lesson learned, right?  I should not be forgetting my keys again now.

3.     After months of looking I finally got a new computer - an All-in-One with a touchscreen.  It’s really quite nice - so sleek and crisp screen.  I was setting it up this week and I have to say I don’t get Windows 8.  I got the computer to mainly do work at home - desktop work I can’t easily do on my smartphone, ipad, or laptop.  It felt silly getting something considering all the gadgets I have but I realized I’m most productive on my desktop at work, partly because of the set-up.  Anyways, I’m not using the computer like a tablet - but that’s what Windows 8 is wanting to be - a gigantic 22” tablet.  It seems awfully silly.  I was all into setting up my tiles on the front screen until I found out, after half an hour, you can’t have a tile with the time.  Plus I can’t seem to navigate very well using just the mouse or just the touchscreen and end up having to do a combination.  I’m missing a fundamental understanding of how to navigate.  Otherwise, the computer is wonderful and I can’t wait to start working on some projects this weekend - first thing up is organizing and backing up all my files.  They’re all over the place on external hardrives, thumb drives and my laptop.  I can’t wait!

4.     My hair is starting to annoy me so I’m so happy I have an appointment on Saturday for a haircut.  I hope I have the 10-12” for donating to Locks for Love.  Even if I don’t, it’s coming off - not super short, but not the long hair I have right now.  I keep toying with the idea of coloring it - I love the look but I keep reminding myself of the maintenance and chemicals.  So think I’ll settle with my mousy brown hair and a wonderful cut.  I’m checking out a place in town that has gotten rave reviews.  Fingers crossed! 

5.     This was weird today - I was writing an email, coordinating visit times with Karin and her kids and realize I should touch base with Nick first before sending.  So I give him a call to discuss and he literally had just sent me an email (that I hadn’t seen yet) saying what he wanted to do and that we should talk on the phone to discuss.  Crazy brother/sister connection, right?  Well that’s not the weird part, the weird part is that it happened twice today.  After I got off the phone, I was finishing up my lunch reading the New Yorker blog postings and saw an interesting article on a prolific New York Times letter to the editor writer I thought Mom would like.  I shoot her off an email with the link and at the same time, in comes an email from Mom sending me a link to the article just below that which I was about to read next about Why Do We Eat and Why Do We Gain Weight.  How crazy coincidental is that?

Incentives

Well the running program worked well until I hit the weekend and it rained week two. Lesson about the weekend - if I'm not incorporating the run into my daily routine their is a high likelihood I will not bother with going for a run. It's hard to motivate. On the other hand if I trucked all my gear into work I'm more likely to follow through with a run on my way home since it doesn't take time away from other more enjoyable stuff. 

For the weather - I realized there's a difference to running in good weather versus overcast and drizzling. I changed my schedule from Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday to Monday/Wednesday/Friday to address the weekend issue. Except by 5:30 yesterday it was quite dark and the skies were about to open up and flood the streets. So I backed out of the run. 

I've also lost the goal of June 24th for the corporate run. It's so popular we got wait listed for next year and can't participate this summer - it's full. 

So I thought my running program was doomed and then today happened. Work had a biometric clinic and I got my "numbers". Generally good/normal overall, except my cholesterol. Still in the good range but I'm edging towards the bad numbers and I have a family disposition. Quick Internet search and most of the diet recommendations I follow (except cheese!) but interestingly one of the recommendations is cardio. So there it is - give up cheese completely or start running. And this is from the girl that has six cheeses in the fridge right now from Gorgonzola to feta to goat cheese to cheddar to some 'fancy' cheeses I forget the names, but are really good. Oh, and cream cheese too - so make that seven cheeses right now. 

There's my new incentive to keep with the running. Hopefully it eventually becomes more enjoyable. So many people are runners, there must be something to it. So back on the wagon tomorrow. Hopefully it doesn't rain!

Bonus Time

I remembered this morning that Clinique's Bonus time just started but by quitting time I had forgotten that I had planned to swing by Macy's after work. Luckily a late work convo with one of my female engineers jogged the memory. An hour later and I have a bag full of makeup and I've betrayed my 25 year relationship. 

I picked up my foundation - I was almost out. And a new lipstick (technically a chubby stick) since I don't really have any good day colors left - they're all samples from previous Bonus times and are more dark than I like for work.  I was also trying to find a good eye shadow since I just finished up the one I bought. But nothing was working. I was walking out with my two purchases and a bag of freebies when I was drawn to the MAC counter located by the door. A friend of mine loves the brand so figured I'd check them out. 

As the backstory, I have almost exclusively worn Clinique since my teen years. The only exceptions are moisturizer (which I use Clinique during the winter, just during summer do I switch to something lighter) and mascara because I'm not paying $15+ on a tube that lasts maybe two months. Drug store works just fine. 

One thing I love about Clinique is the smell - there is none. It's branded as fragrance free. But eye shadow usually doesn't have a scent anyway so figured I'd just ask. The MAC lady was very helpful and friendly (more so than the Clinique lady) and she had me sample a few shades. It was difficult to decide. I'm sitting holding the mirror trying to figure out what side I like better. I ended up choosing the more neutral shade which was what she recommended too. 

Of course you gotta love karma. I'm on my way home and on the subway I'm going through my goodies and checking out the samples. Included was a quad of eyeshadows. And low and behold, second one over is almost a perfect match to what I just bought. Doh! Oh well, at least now I have duplicates. I went from zero to double shadows. Maybe it's Clinique's way to say "don't stray, we've got what you want". Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to use the MAC shadow. 

Holidays/Packages/Running

Well, my April Fools trick fizzled.  Part 2 worked down in our NYC office, but the Boston office part fell through.  "My guy" didn't come through with my props in time.  I'm hoping that the package will be waiting for me tomorrow morning when I get in early. And I can install the trick before staff arrive and I can pretend everyone missed it yesterday. I'll keep you posted. 

As I was at the pharmacy this evening picking up Winston's meds, they asked me to verify his birthday and I realize I had picked April1st when I adopted him and his brother.  And today is his birthday.  It had slipped my mind.  When they were younger, I'd give them special treats. Tonight he got some new cat food that he really likes. Here's to 13 great years Winston!  And here's hoping there are a few more to go. 

When I got home today I had packages waiting for me.  I don't usually get mail, having stayed on top of canceling all the junk mail so it was a nice little treat to have waiting for me.  One was my new car floor mats. It only took five years to buy them but I've been working on my "list" and have been cranking through stuff.  Can't wait to put them in and see how they work out. I'm waiting for daylight.  The other package was a new camera battery for mom's camera. I was all excited to see if it fixes the camera. Except it says I have to charge the battery first and I don't have the charger.  Almost there.

And last but not least, I finished Day One of my new running program.  I got the company to participate in the JP Morgan corporate run/walk again ths year.  Last year I mainly walked and by the end I was all exuberant, thinking, I can become a runner, I have a year.  And then nine months went by and I didn't really do anything. And here I am.  My goal was to do better each year. Luckily I was smart and set the bar low, it's only up from here.  Several folks suggested the Couch to 5k program and I finally checked it out this year.  The last couple of weeks I got the shoes and running gear and today I worked out a schedule and was off.  I almost had to cancel since I left work late and had an evening committee meeting.  But it only takes 25 minutes.  The first running part I thought this wasn't going to work, at least my new sneakers are cute. But by the end, I was all set to keep going and doing more.  I'm learning to run slower and take shorter strides which helps at this beginning stage.  I was able to run a route that ended at the pharmcy and then pop over to my meeting.  I love my town and everything is just a few blocks away.

I almost forgot the best part!  I love karma. Do good and good happens.  Actually if you look for the good that's what you find is my philosophy. On my bus ride home, I was catching up on phone calls so was distracted when exiting. It wasn't until I got home that although I remembered by bag, I forgot a portfolio file I was bringing home from work.  I was running around, changing, getting my running gear, feeding the cat.  I realized there was nothing I could do and that I really didn't lose anything important. And off I went for my run.  As I was heading down to the Main Street, there was my bus, heading back to the subway station, waiting at the red light. The light was changing so I had to book it to the bus stops nod the driver said he almost didn't stop because he thought I was out for a run.  Which I was but I mentioned wanting to check if my file was on board. What's the likelihood that I catch, of the many buses going back and forth during rush hour, the one I had exited earlier.  Well, in the back, there it was, waiting for me. Crazy!  I had to run back home to drop it off, so started my run a bit later but in the end all good. I love these improbable coincidences that work out so well.