Let me just say that knowing where I was going and what to expect, I was much more "normal" in my bike riding. I had a good episode of This American Life on my mp3 player and paced myself the whole way there. It was quite a pleasant ride, was able to relax (while still feeling the burn - that last hill is a doozey, and getting the heart rate up). I got more lettuce - which doesn't freak me out as much now that I have my Friday Lettuce parties I host at work and which have been very popular. The swiss chard I cooked up right away and it tastes so much better when it's fresh. I also got some squash (I think), some bok choi (need to look up a picture to compare) and something I'm guessing from the onion family. It's like a hybrid between chives and scallions. I brought one into work with the hopes that someone might be able to enlighten me with: 1) what it is, 2) what parts I can eat, and 3) how to use it in cooking. My big fear now is that they might give me some produce I don't know and I cook it all up and eat it, even though the leaves are poisinous. They need to let you know if that's the case - right?
I had tons of energy after the ride - which is a hopeful sign I'll keep with the weekly ritual into the hot and humid summer days. I got a fair amount done last night and was up until 11 pm - no problem- still wide awake (very unusual as work usually konks me out by 9). It was great as I was able to catch the first two episodes of Coupling on PBS. Mom had recorded some episodes for me that I watch periodically, but I had never realized I hadn't seen the second episode. I was literally laughing out loud watching the "new-to-me" episode.
It was a nice relief from things going on. I think I've started figuring out why I'm in a bit of funk this last week or so. It all has to do with control. Now I've long accepted that I have no control of the big scale of life. But it's the little things that have slipped away from me that have thrown me off balance. I think it started with that boy I had met awhile back that seemed very promising. He was in NYC, I'm in Boston - not great, but he promised it wouldn't make a difference. Except I'm busy, and he's busy, and we keep missing each other - I've talked with his voicemail more than him now (a bit of an exageration), we keep almost having a weekend work out for a visit, and than it falls through. All good intentions, but things out of my control kept getting in my way of getting what I'm used to. So, besides realizing I'm spoiled, I keep plowing along trying to force it to happen and becoming frustrated when it doesn't.
Then, secondly, someone I know all of a sudden ended up in the hospital. It's been five days and we still don't know what's going on. Again, no control over the situation, not knowing where things will head and what to do. And finally, Winston, who seems so peaceful on the outside, is sick on the inside. They keep trying to make the medicine work, but perhaps surgery, but even that might not work. There's more, but you get the idea.
I think normally I would have been fine, these aren't monumental issues. But I realize that this wasn't exactly where I thought I would be at this age. I'm not complaining, but the realization is starting to make me seriously reassess what my priorities are. I remember an old quote someone in college wrote that always struck a chord with me: "Is life what happens while you're waiting for the train?" - or something like that - will have to look it up. I just feel like time is starting to slip by. So in other news, to help capture the here and now, I've started a new blog. It's a little strange - but I figure it's good to put things down in writing to be able to use as subject matter for a book or something later on in life. It's about my neighbors. I see them almost daily, even though I've never spoken with them. I feel like I kind of know them - it's like that strange relationship we have with celebrities - we know part of their life and they have no idea who we are. Maybe it will turn into something fictional, maybe it will be based in reality, or rather both.
And finally, as I learn to let go and just let things happen (so easy to say, so hard to do). I find I am heading to NYC this weekend. I had pretty much given up. And then... it happens - I have a bunch of friends going down Friday (ride - check), I found a place to stay - thanks to good friends (room - check), I have friends to visit and two exhibits I want to check out (entertainment - check), and it turns out this is the last weekend to see John for the cheap rate (cheap musical - check). I haven't told the boy yet, so if he is in town - great, if not, so be it. It is what it is - you've got to work with what you've got. I looked at my priorities, I realized, it was John's musical that I wanted to see most in NYC, so that was what I focused on making happen (still don't know if I can get the cheap tickets - have to wait until the day of the performance, fingers crossed). In a strange way, the Serenity Prayer has been floating in my head. If you cut out the God part - I really like it, it's where I am right now:
Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
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