Giving Due

I’ve been feeling extra worn down lately and all my usual tricks to recharge the battery haven’t been working.  I am looking forward to an upcoming trip to St John’s Newfoundland which will provide a change in scenery.  I’m going up for a project and am extending my visit a few days after the meeting.

Funny story actually.  Last month, the project team flew up to Canada and were heading to the client’s office after arriving at the airport and picking up a rental car.  They enter the address as they hit the road and the GPS calculates the trip to take 22 hours!  Turns out they flew to St John, New Brunswick!  Wrong province! And ended up having to find new flights to the correct St John’s and lost a day. Needless to say I triple checked my booking for my upcoming trip.

Being worn down, I was still smart enough to step back to assess life.  I’ve been trying to have a more balanced work/life.  I’ve been trying to grow so that the day to day stresses, and politics I deal with in a leadership role doesn’t wear me out.  And I thought I was on a good path, with good habits forming.  I’m still daunted by the day to day for work and have been desperately looking for a good right hand person.  But overall, I’ve dialed back burning the midnight oil - mainly because I just can’t keep up that pace. 

And then it dawned on me.  I don’t always give stuff enough credit.  I realized I’m worn down in part by the worry work provides me with, but also about worry life has given me recently.  And it’s exhausting.  As this new theory started to form, I realize that I downplay, even to myself, the passing of Walter last year.  I didn't even post about it, since it was private - happened last August.  Although “just a pet”, he was a constant companion for over 12 years.  And as those who met him know, he was a lover - a primary source of daily (if not hourly) snuggles and comfort that I took for granted and is now missing.  Winston has been great and has become more affectionate, but it’s not the same, if only that I don’t have two snuggle bunnies.  So that is loss number one that I’m still working through - I guess just time is what is needed on that front.

Then there is loss number two, in that something that has been coming for awhile has arrived - my dad and step-mother are both going to be retired this year and are looking to move to Virginia.  When I moved back to New England, I immediately appreciated the proximity of family and friends that living in other parts of the country didn’t provide.  Distance is undeniably a factor in frequency of visits.  I used to live near mom so could visit a chunk of times each year and now it’s down to twice a year for a good year.  It was nice having at least one parent close by (I gave up trying to talk mom into moving closer years ago) and have appreciated having that connection.  But with the change in location, that will be a big void of not having any family nearby (Nick doesn’t count) to visit on a weekend - “popping up” versus planning a “vacation” and seeing each other a few times a year.  Again, over time, I’m sure I’ll adjust to the new situation and I’m still thankful that I have other “families” that I have adopted (or have adopted me - Brauns).  But for now, I realize I’m mourning the end of this chapter that is coming to a close.

On top of that, over the course of the last several months, I’ve had a few family/friends deal with heavy life situations on the health front.  Major stuff like heart surgery and cancer. And there’s nothing you can do but worry - worry for them and their family and their situation and try to be supportive.  Nothing like a big smack in the face from mortality. 

In my head, I keep thinking, I’m healthy, I’m happy, I have a good life, I have good friends, I have a good job, I have a good financial situation, I have a good sense of humor, I have so much, so there is nothing wrong with my personal life.  And I’m not giving these things their due.  I’m not one to wallow or be a drama queen (I’m a WASP after all), but I should not discount the bumps in the road life sends your way.  So I’m acknowledging them and moving forward in the healing process.  First thing that helped - I got a ton of snuggles Easter Sunday from Maggie as we watched the Wizard of Oz and later in the evening.  You know I think I’ve seen that movie over a dozen times but realized I really haven’t seen the ending that often.  It is very scary (hence the snuggles)! 

And second, I went back through my Shazam list and bought a bunch of songs.  Shazam, for those not in the know, is an app on the smart phone which allows you to identify a song at a push of a button.  I’m often at the store, or in the car and a song comes up and I’m like “this is a great song, I wonder what it is and who’s it by.”  You pull out this app, push the button while the song is still playing and 5 seconds later, there is your answer.  And it keeps a log of all the songs you identified.  So going back over the last several years I had a nice playlist of songs, that surprisingly were mostly upbeat, perfect timing.  I had gotten a gift credit card for a thank you for a presentation I did last month.  So I used the $25 to buy a bunch of songs and was playing them on my commute and between my new soundtrack to life and the sunny days, I had an extra bounce in my step and bigger smile.  What songs do you ask:

Ho Hey by The Lumineers

Into the Wild by LP

Tokyo Sunrise by LP

Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men

Royals by Lorde

Thrift Shop by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

Can’t Hold Us by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

Wake Me Up by Avicii

We Own the Night by The Wanted

Glad You Came by The Wanted

You Were Born by Cloud Cult

Some Nights by Fun

Actually I ended up buying Macklemore’s entire Heist album - all the songs are good.  I was going to link up all the songs, but realize that’s too much work so just put them into youtube and they’ll pop up.  Enjoy!