It’s been a crazy…. fall. I’ll put it down to the weather like everything else. I’ve definitely felt like that second guy in those movies. You know, where they are running alongside the train that is heading out of town, escaping whatever or whoever it might be. And the first guy jumps and makes it into the empty train car and turns around to reach out a helping hand to the second guy. But the train is gaining speed and the gap is growing and the second guy, no matter how fast he runs just can’t quite make it. And you never really know what happens to that second guy. The scene moves along with the train and the first guy. But I think it all works out. The second guy just deals. So that’s me. The end of October is when the train started going faster than I could run. I had a little pattern going there – body, work, family & friends, and then repeat but in reverse order.
Body – vertigo issues that just shut the shop down for a few weeks
Work – crazy week of catch up, presenting at a conference, trying to keep things limping along
Family & Friends – two weddings, one pregnancy and three babies – lot’s of drama
Family & Friends – hopes and fears all rolled into one, last week – beginnings and endings that were just mentally exhausting
Work – the limping was called out and so buckled down and picked things back up
Body – the New England cold has descended upon me and I now have that annoying cough that occasionally makes me think I’m choking if I don't drink something immediately
But this weekend, Sunday, I just started letting go. I stopped trying to chase the train. Letting go of what should be and just accepting it is where it is. I’ll catch the next train. If I even want to. I had a chance to reconnect with Colleen on Sunday. We used to spend endless amounts of time together, sharing an office and socializing and then things changed. I left and she got pregnant and it just got harder and harder to get that laid back feel again. We’d squeeze in rushed lunches or catching up after work here and there but that’s not the same. Sunday I was torn if I should just hole up and recharge the batteries and forget my social schedule. I had yet to have a good day at home for weeks. Catch up on sleep and all that. But out I went, knowing I needed the benefits of my community. I opted to spend the afternoon vegging with Colleen and Mark chatting and knitting instead of rushing home and cleaning the apartment for my brother’s visit the next day. And I listened. I think that’s what I need to do more – listen. And not the fake listening where you are ready to have something to say, ready to fix things. They had some good advice which helped me change where I was in my head on certain things. Oh and I discovered a new tea I really like. I think it’s called Lapsang Souchong. Imagine drinking tea by the camp fire. Nothing needs to be added but hot water for a perfect cup. I’m going to start drinking more tea too. I’m going to go fix a cup right now actually. Ok, I’m back and realize I’m not a huge fan of Earl Grey. Mental note, I need to get some good tea and learn how to drink hot drinks without burning my tongue every time.
So Monday I call home and leave a message for Nick that my place is completely trashed. Like really bad, but that’s the way it is. And, you know, I got some cleaning done last night, and some cleaning done this morning, and there’s more to be done, but it’s all good. We made a run to Trader Joe’s and I was going to just get a wreath as I had given up on the Christmas tree this year. My head was just telling me it doesn’t make any sense. The time has passed. But low and behold, I find I listen to my heart in the end. And say forget that, I want a tree. And it barely took any time too. And now I have a nice big naked tree in my living room.
I realized that I should just do what I want to do and in the end it all works out because I have a pretty good life set up where everything I “have” to do is really what I “want” to do anyways. Somewhere along there a switch got flipped that made life a chore and it isn’t. Fall is what I needed, to get me back on track. Not sure why I’m waxing poetic on the philosophies of living but think that from the crazy comes the peaceful. And it’s been crazy. A crazy good ride.
And all this before I have even begun to see my shrink- I start tomorrow officially. Nice surprise too. I realize I had never been covered by insurance in the past - $15 visits is such a good deal. I’m definitely going to max out my allotment. It’s always good to have an ear. So that’s where I am. Writing this, listening to Elizabeth and the Catapult (from Band in Boston podcast) and sipping my not so great cuppa. And realizing I really need to get a good soundtrack for my life. I miss good music. And realizing that tonight I’ll eat some cake (it was my bro’s b-day Sunday) and remember what it’s like to be one, like my god-son here on his recent first birthday.
Body – vertigo issues that just shut the shop down for a few weeks
Work – crazy week of catch up, presenting at a conference, trying to keep things limping along
Family & Friends – two weddings, one pregnancy and three babies – lot’s of drama
Family & Friends – hopes and fears all rolled into one, last week – beginnings and endings that were just mentally exhausting
Work – the limping was called out and so buckled down and picked things back up
Body – the New England cold has descended upon me and I now have that annoying cough that occasionally makes me think I’m choking if I don't drink something immediately
But this weekend, Sunday, I just started letting go. I stopped trying to chase the train. Letting go of what should be and just accepting it is where it is. I’ll catch the next train. If I even want to. I had a chance to reconnect with Colleen on Sunday. We used to spend endless amounts of time together, sharing an office and socializing and then things changed. I left and she got pregnant and it just got harder and harder to get that laid back feel again. We’d squeeze in rushed lunches or catching up after work here and there but that’s not the same. Sunday I was torn if I should just hole up and recharge the batteries and forget my social schedule. I had yet to have a good day at home for weeks. Catch up on sleep and all that. But out I went, knowing I needed the benefits of my community. I opted to spend the afternoon vegging with Colleen and Mark chatting and knitting instead of rushing home and cleaning the apartment for my brother’s visit the next day. And I listened. I think that’s what I need to do more – listen. And not the fake listening where you are ready to have something to say, ready to fix things. They had some good advice which helped me change where I was in my head on certain things. Oh and I discovered a new tea I really like. I think it’s called Lapsang Souchong. Imagine drinking tea by the camp fire. Nothing needs to be added but hot water for a perfect cup. I’m going to start drinking more tea too. I’m going to go fix a cup right now actually. Ok, I’m back and realize I’m not a huge fan of Earl Grey. Mental note, I need to get some good tea and learn how to drink hot drinks without burning my tongue every time.
So Monday I call home and leave a message for Nick that my place is completely trashed. Like really bad, but that’s the way it is. And, you know, I got some cleaning done last night, and some cleaning done this morning, and there’s more to be done, but it’s all good. We made a run to Trader Joe’s and I was going to just get a wreath as I had given up on the Christmas tree this year. My head was just telling me it doesn’t make any sense. The time has passed. But low and behold, I find I listen to my heart in the end. And say forget that, I want a tree. And it barely took any time too. And now I have a nice big naked tree in my living room.
I realized that I should just do what I want to do and in the end it all works out because I have a pretty good life set up where everything I “have” to do is really what I “want” to do anyways. Somewhere along there a switch got flipped that made life a chore and it isn’t. Fall is what I needed, to get me back on track. Not sure why I’m waxing poetic on the philosophies of living but think that from the crazy comes the peaceful. And it’s been crazy. A crazy good ride.
And all this before I have even begun to see my shrink- I start tomorrow officially. Nice surprise too. I realize I had never been covered by insurance in the past - $15 visits is such a good deal. I’m definitely going to max out my allotment. It’s always good to have an ear. So that’s where I am. Writing this, listening to Elizabeth and the Catapult (from Band in Boston podcast) and sipping my not so great cuppa. And realizing I really need to get a good soundtrack for my life. I miss good music. And realizing that tonight I’ll eat some cake (it was my bro’s b-day Sunday) and remember what it’s like to be one, like my god-son here on his recent first birthday.
1 comment:
I love the idea of just letting things be the way that they are. Wise words! As for the Lapsang Souchong, Simpson & Vail makes great teas, including the smoky variety you mentioned: http://www.svtea.com/searchprods.asp I have tried their China Lapsang Souchong and like it quite well.
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