Part of it is that I'm noticing different bits about myself. I'm not just lumping everything into one bucket and saying I'm tired, or hungry, or stressed. I'm noticing if I'm physically tired, or mentally tired or emotionally tired. Like, have I been making a ton of decisions and it's wearing me down and I need a break, or do I feel tired because my energy is low due to physical fuel and I need to eat.
Talking about eating, I'm really aware of food and my eating habits more now than ever. I always thought I was on top of my eating, but this has been really eye opening. The last few days, I would get the munchies. Except I wasn't really hungry. I'm still having a little trouble figuring out my hunger signals. So often I'm finding my hunger is really a food craving. I was reading up on this topic on T&M he internet and found that sometimes the munchies come about for several reasons. For me, the two big ones are procrastination and boredom. Like yesterday, I was making good headway on a project, but got to a hard part where I had to make some decisions. I suddenly wanted to take a break and raid the kitchen. I wasn't hungry for my next meal, I was just procrastinating on figuring out the next step of my project. How crazy is that? And the other one, boredom, I hate to use the b-word, because I think of boredom as sitting and fiddling your thumbs, not doing anything. I find that sometimes I'm listless in an activity. I'm engaged but it's not a riveting engagement. Then my subconscious wanders and comes upon, 'hey, let's take a break and get something to eat.'
Turns out the sweet craving is pretty strong. The more I read about sugar and trying to obstain, the more I read comparisons about smokers and alcoholics (and drug addicts), trying to come clean. It's amazing what sugar does, wiggling into your brain. I still have a subtle sugar craving. Like, I'm good in that I won't get into my car and go buy something. Even when I'm at the store shopping, I'm good about not picking up anything sweet. But I'm not sure how well I'll do if I'm offered something sweet, like at a BBQ. Right now I have the 30 day thing, so I'm staying strong, but what about after? I'm not so sure. One day at a time.
And I think I might have messed up a few days back. I've not eaten anything non-compliant, but I do think I ate something the wrong way - my cantelop. I had cut up my second melon and would have a generous helping with proscito. But I never really ate it as part of my meal. Usually just before or after, which in my head I thought was good enough. But then one afternoon, I got the munchies. I was in the listless category. And mid-day, between meals I grabbed the bowl of cantelope and started eating it. Except it was that mindless eating where you enjoy a bite and then next thing you know, you've eaten it all. I'm not saying that cantelope is bad, but it is sweet and that was what my body was trying to get a fix of. Something sweet. I feel like I was an alcoholic, trying to stay clean, and then drinks a bottle of mouthwash or something. I was getting my fix, even though I wasn't technically consuming processed sugar.
Part of me wants to get another melon since it is so good and is in season. But the other part of me thinks maybe I need to wait and not buy too much fruit for awhile until the sugar doesn't have such a hold on me. It's so strange writing this because I know if I was reading this a year ago, I would think I was crazy about not eating fruit, or even some sugar. It's not like I eat coipious amounts of sweets. But it's really amazing how we consume what we consume and why. Again, I've heard this all before, but thought it was for people with unhealthy diets, not me who eats home cooked meals, hates fast food and chips. I'm realizing I'm not always the one deciding when to consume something. I've always been proud I don't like coffee, and never was a aslave to the morning cup routine. But now I'm finding I am a slave to sugar. It was so quiet and got away with it's hold because it was subtle. Not always shrinking at the same time or intensity. Socially acceptable. It flew under the radar.
I think what I have now, that keeps me strong is awareness. In the past I could talk myself into having something sweet. I'm a guest at someone's house, or everyone else is having some, or it was that time of the month, or I deserve the reward. But now I know what it does to my body. How is eating something sweet a reward when it will give you a sugar crash and get you hooked again? Don't get me wrong, I still plan on eating sugar In the future, but it really has to be worth it. Like, I'm going to a BBQ in a few weeks and I know there will be a ton of sweets. First I'm not having any because I'm in the 30 day window still. But second, most of the sweets are store bought at the grocery store - nothing that great, and the homemade stuff is like cookies or brownies, nothing that great either. If it was that hibiscus donught I had a few months back in NYC, at a cute little trendy donught shop. That I would treat myself, and get one. Opps, see, why do I say treat myself? It's so part of our culture to equate sweets with treats. But even with that donught, I don't know if I'd eat it all. When I had it before I only ate about half since I was fairly full, and shared the rest with my friend who had their donught and half of mine. Mine was hands down the better one.
The last thing I want to add, is that my sleep hasn't been fabulous. I've been sleeping through the night but I don't feel like it's a really full and deep sleep. I still feel like I'm dreaming a ton more. And not about sweets, which sometimes happens. I think maybe it's just that time of year. Do I sleep better in winter, all cuddled under the warm comforter? Maybe I do. It's not hot yet. It's that in between coolness of low 60s. I feel like I'm mentally tired when I wake up. So maybe it's not the food. Need to figure that one out.
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